


A Losing Battle

by Waii



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Boys Love - Freeform, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Gay, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Hurt, M/M, Mental Illness, Mourning, Oneshot, Self Harm, Suicide, Trauma, Violence, getting over trauma, life after love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:02:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23662774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waii/pseuds/Waii
Summary: Mafuyu fights with his own dark thoughts years after Yuuki's death. Uenoyama finds Mafuyu on the anniversary of Yuuki's death during one of his darkest moments and tries to understand him.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu & Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 1
Kudos: 123





	A Losing Battle

**Author's Note:**

> Hallo, this is a hurt/comfort fic with a lot of hurting. The themes aren't really suited for everyone.

Night after night, the same thoughts raced through Mafuyu’s mind, ripping his mental wellbeing to shreds. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking what remains of Yuki other than his soulless hollow body. Every time he closed his eyes, he swore he could see him hanging in front of him; he felt the paralysis course through his body over and over again, unable to move, wishing it was just a nightmare. A horrible nightmare. 

At first, he couldn’t think. The feelings were so overwhelming and consuming that time seemed to stand still. Then he would try to forget, but he couldn’t. Unable to stop the thoughts and the retched sobbing, he put his hands in his hair. 

'Please bring him back,' he begged to no one in general, trying to believe that a god did exist and that fate wouldn’t do this. When he would think of these things, he would take his nails to his skin and dig deep. He would dig so deep that he bled. There was no way to stop it- no way to forgive himself for killing Yuuki. That night- even after being with his band, even though it had been so long since he had thought of Yuuki- he felt like he could see his late lover staring at him. Something struggled to break free from him as he clenched his fists and tensed his own body.

Mafuyu didn’t drink very often, but that day he had a bottle that he had been saving for a day as inauspicious as this. He wanted to scream, to break something. 2 years, he thought, 2 fucking years. Unable to bring himself to drink the same way that Yuuki had met his untimely death, he smashed the bottle. Shards of glass split open the skin on the inside of his hand and the alcohol splashed all over the ground. The blood dripped as if it was searching for a place to go. 

Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. This snapped him out of his hysteria. He didn’t really feel like opening his door. He had skipped school that day, blaming a phantom stomach flu. After that, he turned his phone off. Inadvertently, this absense alerted Ritsuka that something might have been wrong. 

There was another knock. 

“Mafuyu, are you in there?” 

And another knock. 

Mafuyu felt his emotions welling up. The anger he felt turned into guilt. There was something standing right outside his door that cared so much about him. Then, why was he stuck in place? Why couldn’t he move? 

Ritsuka turned the handle, “I’m coming in.” 

The scene was sorrowful. Mafuyu was sitting in his bed, head hanging over his bleeding hands. The floor was covered in broken glass and the smell of alcohol reeked through the whole room. Is this the world that Mafuyu had created for himself? The barrier of broken glass kept people from coming and kept him from coming to the door. It only lasted for a split second until Mafuyu looked up as if nothing was wrong. He even smiled. 

“Sorry you have to see me like this, Uenoyama-kun.” 

Ritsuka was shocked to say the least. He wanted to cry. He ran over to Mafuyu, ignoring the glass on the ground. 

“MAFUYU! What is this?! What the fuck is going on?!” he couldn’t stop himself from freaking out. After a few seconds of Mafuyu not answering, Ritsuka was able to rein his emotions back in. 

“Mafuyu… please talk to me. Tell me.” 

Ritsuka, while he knew that Mafuyu suffered quite a bit didn’t know how bad everything could get. And that was for a good reason too, Mafuyu kept his distance from everyone when things like this happened to make sure no one saw him like this. Mafuyu still said nothing to the concerned boyfriend who was now kneeling on this ground before Mafuyu hold both of his hands. Ritsuka opened up Mafuyu’s hand, and it felt like he broke. Ritsuka held Mafuyu’s hand up to his face and the tears wouldn’t stop streaming. 

Without looking up from Mafuyu's battered hands, Ritsuka pleaded with Mafuyu, “Mafuyu… why? …Why?” 

When Ritsuka finally did look up at Mafuyu, Mafuyu’s eyes were wide open and filled with tears, but nothing came out. With his bloody hands, Mafuyu grabbed a piece of a slightly crumpled piece of paper and handed it to Ritsuka. 

Ritsuka wiped his own eyes with the sides of arms as he held the paper and to read it through his bleary eyes. The paper was so rough. It was stained with blood, tears, and whatever other elements it had weathered. As Ritsuka stared at it, he couldn’t figure out what it was. It didn’t seem quite refined enough to be song lyrics. They looked more like a poem or a letter. 

_“I looked up at the sky. It’s raining on me. I’m all alone, waiting for you to come home._

_The happy memories I shared with you became the burden I carry today. They chase me down when I try to run. The love that you gave me became the poison running in my blood. It’s slowly killing me._

_I’m all alone, but I haven’t lost. It’s dark, but I keep hoping that one day the light will show. Your laugh…the way you held me… how do I forget? What song is going to cure this pain?_

_I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t cry. The cold breeze made me shiver, and I remembered that I was still alive. Life is making me fight a losing battle. My heart is on fire. My blood is boiling. What song do I sing to make this loneliness go away?”_

As Ritsuka read this, he began to choke up even more so than before. The feelings that Mafuyu had coursing through his blood for the past few years were rushing through Ritsuka like a million knifes. His tears were falling on the paper, and he gripped the paper more firmly. As he read this, Ritsuka felt like he was standing in Yuuki’s room, looking at Mafuyu as Yuuki’s empty eyes stared right past him. He saw Mafuyu break the string and collapse to the floor. 

Ritsuka turned to Mafuyu and pulled him into a hug so tight that Mafuyu would know that he would never leave. Ritsuka wept. 

“I’m so sorry. I d-didn’t know,” he stammered between tears, “I didn’t know you were hurting so much. I wanted to know. I’m so stupid- I don’t know how to understand your pain.” 

He put Mafuyu’s face in the palm of his own to hands and squished it, “But I’m trying. Share your pain with me.” 

The fully formed tears started to roll down Mafuyu's face before he broke out into full, gut-wrenching sobs. 

He whimpered, “These are all things that I wanted to tell him. I’m sorry to burden you with this.”

“No, be selfish,” Ritsuka told Mafuyu, “I love you. Tomorrow, the next day, a year from now, this won’t change. Your heart is mute, Mafuyu. You have to cry- you have to scream.” 

Ritsuka leaned down and kissed Mafuyu's forehead. Then he held Mafuyu's chin up to take a good look into his glossy eyes and kissed him on the lips through the tears.

Ritsuka asked quietly, “Can you cry now?" 

Mafuyu responded, “I can. Now that I’m in your arms.”


End file.
